Last night, I couldn’t find my bottle of arginine (a food supplement used to, among other things, enhance muscle growth) in the back room refrigerator. In my community, we are moving the residence upstairs and I figured it was either moved or thrown out. I suspected the latter, and this triggered a judgment, particularly as I had my name written all over the bottle, including “I’m not considered important enough for whoever threw it out to have bothered to ask me if I still wanted it.” Yet I was large enough to contain this judgment rather than it containing me. That is, I knew there were other possibilities. So I emailed C & M who I heard cleaned out that refrigerator. In the end, both acknowledged that their throwing it out was a distinct possibility. They have even offered to pay for it which I told them I would consider. Though I’m still left with a question or two, as my judgments are tenacious and seem to want, like live entities, validation to feed them so they can exist (wow, that’s a scary new concept for me), I was surprisingly moved by their responses and realized the other side of the coin is that I want acknowledgment. In their apologies I got that they cared and that, to them, in this moment, in this interaction, I mattered.
As I’m writing this, it occurs to me that my work here, henceforth, is for me to acknowledge myself. I suspect from the level of feelings this situation evoked, I imagine I don’t do this enough. I came across this picture of a dog today. My connections with certain dogs run deep. I remember telling someone, just yesterday, who had said, “We hate out there what we hate in ourselves” that the corollary must be that we love out there what we love in ourselves. Well this for me, for one, pertains to certain dogs. And in this picture, I immediately recognize that part of me that wants acknowledgment. And while I’m not sure how to give that to myself, I’ve come up with a way to find closure on the arginine thing. When I meet with them, if after clearing up a few details, if I continue with the notion that it wasn’t irresponsible, that it wasn’t personal in that it could have been anyone’s arginine, I won’t ask them to pay full cost (around $30) as I’d deem it to be an honest and reasonable mistake. Rather, I want them to take me to Pinkberry on Spring street and buy me a frozen yogurt. I want them to surprise me with the toppings. Then I will feel complete.
As I’m writing this, it occurs to me that my work here, henceforth, is for me to acknowledge myself. I suspect from the level of feelings this situation evoked, I imagine I don’t do this enough. I came across this picture of a dog today. My connections with certain dogs run deep. I remember telling someone, just yesterday, who had said, “We hate out there what we hate in ourselves” that the corollary must be that we love out there what we love in ourselves. Well this for me, for one, pertains to certain dogs. And in this picture, I immediately recognize that part of me that wants acknowledgment. And while I’m not sure how to give that to myself, I’ve come up with a way to find closure on the arginine thing. When I meet with them, if after clearing up a few details, if I continue with the notion that it wasn’t irresponsible, that it wasn’t personal in that it could have been anyone’s arginine, I won’t ask them to pay full cost (around $30) as I’d deem it to be an honest and reasonable mistake. Rather, I want them to take me to Pinkberry on Spring street and buy me a frozen yogurt. I want them to surprise me with the toppings. Then I will feel complete.
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